Even Kermit Hurts

Bryan pointed out this amazing clip...it makes me want to shed green tears.

Halle Berry Celebrates Star On Walk Of Fame By Inviting Mass Orgy

Oscar winner, part-time Michelle Pfeiffer stand-in, all of these words have been used to describe Halle Berry, and now she can join the hard-working ranks of other stars on the famous stretch of VD-infested sidewalk that can be described as Stars On The Walk Of Fame.

Obviously overcome by the moment, Berry invited her fans in even closer to experience not only the moment, but herself with the comment, "I cannot tell you how good it feels inside me right now. I wish you all could be inside me right now to know how it feels." Thankfully security was on hand to keep overly-excited superheroes wanting to take up the X-Men member on the offer away from the actress.

Inside Halle Berry - WOW Report

Whip It Good

The latest band sure to demand NME's undying love is Manchester band The Whip. Forming from the remains of the band Nylon Pylon, The Whip came onto the scene in 2006. The band quickly made a name for itself with the single "Frustration" and followed up on that success with "Trash".

The band recorded their first effort in a pub cellar, and are currently working on a full length release for later this year. All you lucky metric-system-loving Brits can catch them at gigs all summer long.
4-19 Camden Crawl, London

4-20 Camden Crawl, London

4-21 Chalk @ The Scala, London

4-26 Waterfront, Norwich

4-27 Concorde, Brighton

4-28 Roadmender, Northhampton

5-3 QMU, Glasgow

5-4 Trent Uni, Nottingham

Frustration
Trash

The Whip On Myspace

Danzig XVII: The Lost Tracks

I don't care if he got knocked out. I don't care if he's on 'roids or got hair plugs. I don't care if his comic books or newer albums are shit. I don't care that he's now vocally closer to Barney from the Simpsons than Elvis or Jim Morrison.

Danzig is the fucking man, and don't you ever forget it. I'm so much more stoked about the Lost Tracks of Danzig album than I'll ever be about some hyped up fagster Modest Shins or Arcade Party release.

May 29th. Mark it down. On your forehead. In the blood of a virgin, or a first born goat or something. Figure it out.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070404/music_nm/danzig_dc

Justice Makes Pretty Music For Pretty People

Keeping with Stereofork's love for all things from Ed Banger Records, the new Justice track from their forthcoming EP D.A.N.C.E. is our new soon-to-be-burnt-out-on song for the summer. It's an extended version of uber-upbeat track D.A.N.C.E., with the cheeriness turned up to eleven.

They are also working on a new full length due out in June, still without a title. The EP is due from Ed Banger Records on April 16th.


B.E.A.T. extended version
We Are Your Friends From 2003 Release

Justice on Myspace

Nice shoes.. wanna mope?

The joy revision continues. New Balance has announced it will be producing a limited edition 'Joy Division' trainer to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the band's inception. Details such as the iconic album artwork of their post-punk classic "Unknown Pleasures," the lyrics "Step Inside" from "Atrocity Exhibition" and a nod to Factory Records' comprehensive numbering system ("Fact 10") grace the austere white sneakers. No word yet on price or if Ian Curtis has rolled over in his grave, risen from the dead and entered himself into a 2K Walk-And-Run. But hey, miserablists care about physical fitness too. Ready, set.. goth!

Hypebeast

Keith Richards Snorts Father

In what is likely to win the gold medal at this year's Comedy Olympics and be beaten to death (oops...) by every comedian under the sun by next week, it was reported today that Rolling Stone's resident paleontology expert Keith Richards once snorted his father's ashes...oh and they were totally cut with blow. Understandably, Richard's mother voiced her displeasure over his actions but good ol' Keith made good by replying, "Mum, don't worry, I'm savin' the good stuff for you..." Awww! How cute!

I will now turn this story over to the rest of the Stereofork newsdesk so they can weigh in on today's events.

Wow. We're like Weekend Update on SNL except unemployed and not visible.


Bryan: Vampire Keef proves once again that we're all pussies, wot with our weak drugs and all. Good show, I say.

Steve Jobs is Satan.

Where is Leopard? Apple TV is only being bought by geeks that want to hack it. How many people are really going to pay $600 for an iPhone? Jobs caves and gives EMI variable pricing, and spins it by claiming an unprotected AAC file (no, they're not going to be .mp3 format) is a "premium" product.

Furthermore, differing file types and variable pricing will complicate the stark hand/glove simplicity of the iPod/iTunes ecosystem. Get ready to be iTunes customer support for all your technoramus friends and family. Fuck you, Apple.

Then today the EU smacks Apple with another antitrust suit, this time centered around price fixing with their major label bedfellows. Oh, and there's the little matter of a stock options probe...

Apple stock, already over $90/share, goes up $1.35. Who the fuck is buying it?

Could it be... Satan?

US Government Determined To Keep Nation's Safety, Mindset At 1982 Levels

It looks as though Disney's outwardly patriotic, Communist-hating facade, has finally fallen away as the government has identified the 1982 film Tron as a covert leak of security information.

All copies of the film are being recalled, so all plans by time travelling terrorists to go back to 1981, when the nuclear facility featured in the movie still existed and bomb it are in serious jeopardy. No word yet on if The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes will suffer the same fate, only to be reissued minus the 10-minute scene where Kurt Russell's lovable robot character explains how nuclear fission works.

Homeland Security Classifies TRON as "Sensitive"

All You Need Are Pan Flutes

Light Euphoric claim their music is "healing" - and yet their MySpace page crashed my browser. Thanks for killing my sweet game of online sudoku, buds.

And while I don't know if I can vouch for their healing qualities, what I do know is that if you took the word "Universe" out of their songs and added "Jesus," "God" or "Lord and Saviour," these dudes would be my mom's favorite band on earth.

myspace.com/lighteuphoric