God Hates Indie Kids.

And here's the proof, my friends: Behold the 10-day forecast for the Coachella area. Good weekend to be a Grizzly Bear.. not such a good weekend to be a Teddybear. Even worse weekend to be a Stephen Colbert.

"Secret" Shows Surrounding Coachella

Missed your chance to see this years nostalgic for the 90's lineup? Skip the filler and check out the following bands:

Arctic Monkeys at the Troubadour Sunday, 4/29
Tickets: $25 through fax only
Doors @ 10pm, onstage @ 11pm
Fax form: Troubadour Fax Form
Fax # (310) 247-4896

The Cribs at Dimples, Burbank Wednesday, 4/25
FREE - band on at 7:30 pm

Tapes N Tapes at Spaceland Thursday, 4/26
Tickets: $12

Crowded House at Glass House Friday, 4/27 -not secret, but still amazing
Tickets: $25

Ed Banger Records Showcase feat. Justice at Ex-Plex Monday, 4/30
Tickets $10

Spankrock and Flosstradamus at Check Yo Ponytail Tuesday, 5/1
FREE!!
RSVP: rsvp@iheartcomix.com

See ya at Spaceland this Thursday...

Fantastic Looking Men In Tights Set To Lure 18-34 Male Demographic To Musical Theater

Marvel announced that Spider Man will jump from the big screen to the theater, apparently having not made enough money through films. Helming this task will be the easy-to-work-with director Julie Taymor, fresh from making songs from the White Album even more unbearable.

This news bears good news for other superhero projects set to hit multiplexes soon, as Jake Gyllenhaal can easily make the transistion from yelling "Shazam!" to crooning it sweetly towards his adoring fans so many times before.

Julie Taymor to direct Spider-Man Musical | /Film

Will Farrell Manages To Be Funny Without Running From Imaginary Flames, Not Without Enabling 2-Year Old

In this brave new world where 8 million digital monkeys on typewriters crank out his new plots, Will Farrell managed to remind us how funny it can be when he breaks out of his usual stereotype and argues with drunken children. Expect the sequel to be greenlit soon, before his young co-star undergoes a meltdown of Osment-like proportions.

Funny Or Die

New Feist Video for "1234"

Most of us watch Michel Gondry videos and think "Damn son! THAT looks amazing!" Feist watched them and said "Choreography? Bright outfits? Fuck it. I got this."



Reminder is out April 24th.

Tatiana's lurid encounter with a vintage bondi blue iMac.

Hey dudes,

Reporting on the road from NYC. If I were on my laptop right now and not my friend's geriatric 1997 turqouise iMac (that runs Mac OS9...don't get me started) I would do a sweet photo splice showing Marcia Cross during the O.J. trial before and after her flattening of hair and then Phil Spector before and after his.

And Phil, considering how the trial went for Marcia, I think you're screwed.

But hey dude, you'll always get props for the ol' wall of sound technique.

and c.) Scott, thanks for name checking me on the JAMC bloggage below. Too bad I think the only people that are going to be stoked by Scarlett singing with JAMC are people who have no idea who the f*ck JAMC are. I'm pretty glad I'm not going that night now. What a huge ass bummer.


--Tatiana

Hot Potato! 2007 Lollapalooza line-up announced!

No bells, whistles or snarky asides, here is the line-up for the 2007 edition of Lollapalooza, happening in Chicago August 3 - 5:

Pearl Jam (pictured, only U.S. date for 2007), Daft Punk, Ben Harper, Muse, Iggy & The Stooges, Modest Mouse, Interpol, My Morning Jacket, Satellite Party, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Snow Patrol, The Roots, Patti Smith, Kings Of Leon, The Black Keys, Regina Spektor, Spoon, Lupe Fiasco, TV On The Radio, Pete Yorn, G. Love, Paolo Nutini, Amy Winehouse, LCD Soundsystem, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Silverchair, Femi Kuti, Yo La Tengo, Hold Steady, Jack's Mannequin, Stephen Marley, STS9, MIA, Slightly Stoopid, Blonde Redhead, Sparklehorse, Sean Lennon, !!!, Blue October, Son Volt, Motion City Soundtrack, Polyphonic Spree, Peter Bjorn & John, Silversun Pickups, CSS, The Rapture, The Wailers, Roky Erickson, Tapes N Tapes, Heartless Bastards, The View, The Cribs, The Fratellis, Ghostland Observatory, Tokyo Police Club, Rhymefest, Soulive, Cold War Kids, Annuals, Fields, Electric Six, Jim Noir, Elvis Perkins, Sam Roberts, Black Angels, Charlie Musselwhite, Aqueduct, Juliette & The Licks, Dios, Viva Voce, David Vandervelde, Los Campesinos!, Chin Up Chin Up, Ryan Shaw, Colour Revolt, Satin Peaches, Illinois, Arckid, Mickey Avalon, The 1900s, Bang Bang Bang, Bound Stems, High Class Elite Carey Ott, Matt Roan.

WHEW!

Dare I say better line-up than 2007 Coachella? Discuss.

First Look At What An Icky Thump Looks Like

Icky Thump out on 7/18 via Warner Bros.

And Jack needs to stop watching ¡Three Amigos! so many times.

Taste of Scarlett

If you’re old enough to remember what was going down sonically way back in the year of our lord 1985, The Jesus and Mary Chain’s cataclysmic debut Psychocandy was a revelation. It all but birthed the shoegaze sound with its fuzzed-out guitars juxtaposed against sugary pop melodies. One of the coolest bands to emerge from that era, J&MC is still revered by many, and rightfully so. Which is why their appearance at this year’s Coachella is the only reunion news that really matters, since a lot of us (well, me) still blame Rage Against The Machine for causing such nonsense as Korn, Limp Bizkit and the whole unfortunate debacle that was “rap-rock.”

Younger charges will know J&MC as the band behind the song “Just Like Honey,” which was used to devastating effect at the end of every middle-aged man’s fantasy, Lost in Translation. This is where things get weird.

To tune up for the big Coachella show, J&MC are doing a not-so-secret show at the Glass House in Pomona on Thursday, April 26 (good luck scoring tickets, slowpokes). But the real news is that joining the band onstage to sing background vocals will be none other than Lost in Translation star Scarlett Johansson.

Has the voluptuous Hollywood nymph moved on from the likes of Josh Harnett, Justin Timberlake and Ryan Reynolds to snuggle up with an alt.rock legend like one of the Reid brothers? Stranger things have happened. Not in my life, but still.

Also, shoegaze aficionados like our own Tatiana will be pleased as punch to know that this current incarnation of J&MC features former Lush bassist Phil King and ex-Ride drummer Laurence “Loz” Colbert, making them something of a shoegazing super-group. Word.

Indie Enthusiast Cops To Non Ironic Cher Addiction

Today, I finally made known a dark secret to a friend who is a top entertainment industry professional. That secret is that I love Cher and I'm not being ironic either. I love her. Not just because she's also half-Armenian and understands the plight of half breeds, but because she's acheived everything I hope to in life: massive wealth, a body that won't quit, the finesse to pull off fishnet leotards and a large gay following. Oh Cher, teach me your ways. I heart you.

To my fellow Stereofork editors, I implore you to come out of your non ironic closets and tell us who you love...and also, does anyone have the Believe tour DVD? I totally want it.

It Ain't Easy Being Day-Glo

Unless you're lucky enough to have been living in Amish country (not the rough part) for the past few months you've heard about the Nu-Rave movement sweeping the coasts. For some reason, the boys wearing day-glo tights look hasn't really caught on in the Midwest. The leaders of this new movement, space-rockers The Klaxons, just dropped their first full length this week.

The album mixes the indie-rock and dance aesthetic that have had their shows packed with both neon outfits and skinny-pant clad hipster kids. NME has done everything but propose to them, but even without the hype they still put out a decent, listenable record.

They just announced a US tour, so be sure to break out the glow sticks (does this mean that the 90's are the new 80's?) and hit the dance floor. Keep away from anyone offering back rubs.

April 8 – Toronto, ONT @ Lee’s Palace
April 10 – New York, NY @ Bowery Ballroom
April 11- Boston, MA @ Great Scott
April 13 – Brooklyn, NY @ Studio B
April 14 – Philadelphia, PA @ Transit
April 16 – Chicago, IL @ Schubas Tavern
April 17 – Minneapolis, MN @ 7th Street Entry
April 19 – Denver, CO @ Larimer Lounge
April 21 – Los Angeles, CA @ Ex Plex below the Echo
April 22 – Vancouver, BC @ Richard’s On Richards Cabaret
April 23 – Seattle, WA @ Crocodile Café
April 24 – Portland, OR @ Dante’s
April 26 – San Francisco, CA @ Popscene @ 330 Ritch
April 29 – Indio, CA @ Coachella

Golden Skans
Atlantis To Interzone

Klaxons on Myspace

The future of CD bonus material is now.

Hey, Music Industry...

Who gives a fuck about enhanced CDs and bonus DVDs? Give me a bagel sandwich any day.

This Week In Useless Degrees

Do you love our country, happen to be Republican but are too scared shitless to go join the military? Then check out these sweet degrees in Homeland Security from some online university no one's ever heard of! You'll wow your friends with your knowledge of how to effectively quarantine strangers, differentiate a code yellow from a code orange and spot Muslims anywhere at anytime. You'll also get an extra dollar an hour when you land your bitchin' cargo job at JetBlue. Sweet! Check out your classes! Do I smell some fun frat parties or what?!

Core Courses (27 semester hours)
CJ395 - EDM 220 - Emergency Planning
GM160 - HLS 211 - Emergency Response to Terrorism
GM260 - HLS 212 - Chemical, Biological, and Radiological Hazard
GM261 - HLS 213 - Weapons of Mass Destruction Incident Command
IR310 - HLS 101 - Homeland Defense
MM325 - EDM 340 - Consequence Management
SS460 - POL 410 – Public Policy
SS489 - HLS 301 – Homeland Security Organization
RQ300 - COL 300 - Research, Analysis, and Writing

Major Courses (12 semester hours)
Take four (4) of the following courses:
CJ370 - SCM 370 – Principles and Theory of Security Issues
CJ373 - SCM373 – Risk Analysis and Loss Prevention
CJ410 - HLS311 – Border and Coastal Security
CS305 - ISS 362 – IT Security: Attack and Defense
GM263 - HLS 215 – Regulatory Issues in Weapons of Mass Destruction
GM316 - ISS 381 – Cyber Law and Privacy in the Digital Age
IR311 - HLS104 – Chemical and Biological Defense
IS102 - HLS 153 – The International Terrorist
IS201 - HLS 225 – Intermediate Terrorism
IS310 - INT 433 - Threat Analysis
IS349 - HLS 320 – Intelligence and Homeland Security
IS386 - INT 423 – Cyber Warfare
MC406 - TLM 381 – Hazardous Materials Management
MC444 - EDM 420 – Risk Communications
MC445 - HLS 312 – Port Security
MC491- FSC 321 - Community Fire Mitigation and Protection
MC495 - FSC 405 - Fire Safety and Risk Reduction
PY431 - PSY 431 - Psychology of Disaster
RQ313 - INT 315 - Foreign Intelligence Organizations
SC403 - EDM 240 - Chemistry of Hazardous Materials
SS440 - HCM 426 - Quarantine

Even Kermit Hurts

Bryan pointed out this amazing clip...it makes me want to shed green tears.

Halle Berry Celebrates Star On Walk Of Fame By Inviting Mass Orgy

Oscar winner, part-time Michelle Pfeiffer stand-in, all of these words have been used to describe Halle Berry, and now she can join the hard-working ranks of other stars on the famous stretch of VD-infested sidewalk that can be described as Stars On The Walk Of Fame.

Obviously overcome by the moment, Berry invited her fans in even closer to experience not only the moment, but herself with the comment, "I cannot tell you how good it feels inside me right now. I wish you all could be inside me right now to know how it feels." Thankfully security was on hand to keep overly-excited superheroes wanting to take up the X-Men member on the offer away from the actress.

Inside Halle Berry - WOW Report

Whip It Good

The latest band sure to demand NME's undying love is Manchester band The Whip. Forming from the remains of the band Nylon Pylon, The Whip came onto the scene in 2006. The band quickly made a name for itself with the single "Frustration" and followed up on that success with "Trash".

The band recorded their first effort in a pub cellar, and are currently working on a full length release for later this year. All you lucky metric-system-loving Brits can catch them at gigs all summer long.
4-19 Camden Crawl, London

4-20 Camden Crawl, London

4-21 Chalk @ The Scala, London

4-26 Waterfront, Norwich

4-27 Concorde, Brighton

4-28 Roadmender, Northhampton

5-3 QMU, Glasgow

5-4 Trent Uni, Nottingham

Frustration
Trash

The Whip On Myspace

Danzig XVII: The Lost Tracks

I don't care if he got knocked out. I don't care if he's on 'roids or got hair plugs. I don't care if his comic books or newer albums are shit. I don't care that he's now vocally closer to Barney from the Simpsons than Elvis or Jim Morrison.

Danzig is the fucking man, and don't you ever forget it. I'm so much more stoked about the Lost Tracks of Danzig album than I'll ever be about some hyped up fagster Modest Shins or Arcade Party release.

May 29th. Mark it down. On your forehead. In the blood of a virgin, or a first born goat or something. Figure it out.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070404/music_nm/danzig_dc

Justice Makes Pretty Music For Pretty People

Keeping with Stereofork's love for all things from Ed Banger Records, the new Justice track from their forthcoming EP D.A.N.C.E. is our new soon-to-be-burnt-out-on song for the summer. It's an extended version of uber-upbeat track D.A.N.C.E., with the cheeriness turned up to eleven.

They are also working on a new full length due out in June, still without a title. The EP is due from Ed Banger Records on April 16th.


B.E.A.T. extended version
We Are Your Friends From 2003 Release

Justice on Myspace

Nice shoes.. wanna mope?

The joy revision continues. New Balance has announced it will be producing a limited edition 'Joy Division' trainer to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the band's inception. Details such as the iconic album artwork of their post-punk classic "Unknown Pleasures," the lyrics "Step Inside" from "Atrocity Exhibition" and a nod to Factory Records' comprehensive numbering system ("Fact 10") grace the austere white sneakers. No word yet on price or if Ian Curtis has rolled over in his grave, risen from the dead and entered himself into a 2K Walk-And-Run. But hey, miserablists care about physical fitness too. Ready, set.. goth!

Hypebeast

Keith Richards Snorts Father

In what is likely to win the gold medal at this year's Comedy Olympics and be beaten to death (oops...) by every comedian under the sun by next week, it was reported today that Rolling Stone's resident paleontology expert Keith Richards once snorted his father's ashes...oh and they were totally cut with blow. Understandably, Richard's mother voiced her displeasure over his actions but good ol' Keith made good by replying, "Mum, don't worry, I'm savin' the good stuff for you..." Awww! How cute!

I will now turn this story over to the rest of the Stereofork newsdesk so they can weigh in on today's events.

Wow. We're like Weekend Update on SNL except unemployed and not visible.


Bryan: Vampire Keef proves once again that we're all pussies, wot with our weak drugs and all. Good show, I say.

Steve Jobs is Satan.

Where is Leopard? Apple TV is only being bought by geeks that want to hack it. How many people are really going to pay $600 for an iPhone? Jobs caves and gives EMI variable pricing, and spins it by claiming an unprotected AAC file (no, they're not going to be .mp3 format) is a "premium" product.

Furthermore, differing file types and variable pricing will complicate the stark hand/glove simplicity of the iPod/iTunes ecosystem. Get ready to be iTunes customer support for all your technoramus friends and family. Fuck you, Apple.

Then today the EU smacks Apple with another antitrust suit, this time centered around price fixing with their major label bedfellows. Oh, and there's the little matter of a stock options probe...

Apple stock, already over $90/share, goes up $1.35. Who the fuck is buying it?

Could it be... Satan?

US Government Determined To Keep Nation's Safety, Mindset At 1982 Levels

It looks as though Disney's outwardly patriotic, Communist-hating facade, has finally fallen away as the government has identified the 1982 film Tron as a covert leak of security information.

All copies of the film are being recalled, so all plans by time travelling terrorists to go back to 1981, when the nuclear facility featured in the movie still existed and bomb it are in serious jeopardy. No word yet on if The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes will suffer the same fate, only to be reissued minus the 10-minute scene where Kurt Russell's lovable robot character explains how nuclear fission works.

Homeland Security Classifies TRON as "Sensitive"

All You Need Are Pan Flutes

Light Euphoric claim their music is "healing" - and yet their MySpace page crashed my browser. Thanks for killing my sweet game of online sudoku, buds.

And while I don't know if I can vouch for their healing qualities, what I do know is that if you took the word "Universe" out of their songs and added "Jesus," "God" or "Lord and Saviour," these dudes would be my mom's favorite band on earth.

myspace.com/lighteuphoric