Jake Gyllenhaal to Prove His Manly Hetrosexuality In New Spandex-Intensive Role

David Fincher's favorite whipping boy is finalizing a deal with New Line that will have him starring in a big screen send up of DC's Captain Marvel, ending the years of teasing his hordes of comic-loving fans with the possibility of seeing him screaming "Shazam!" in red tights.

Gyllenhaal will finally have a chance to put behind him the Lance Armstrong-loving, baby-hating, drag-wearing image that he's spent the last few years developing and find that tough guy that he's been looking for.

This takes us all one step closer to seeing Jake swooping in to save his Katie Holmes-annihilating sister in some on screen magic that would elicit a mix of wonder and "Aww.." from an audience blown away by just how darn cute those Gyllenhaal kids are.

Side dish

Unicorns Get D.U.I.s Too

Just because you have a little 'corn on your head and inspire millions of five-year-old girls, a grip of LARPers and a few hipsters, that does not give you license to get wasted, crash into a light post and then use some poor guy (with five previous D.U.I. convictions) as a scape goat. You hear me, Mr. Unicorn?!!! You are sick. Sick, I tell you! That's right. Who's feeling magical now suckah.